It's wintertime in Canada most of the year. Therefore, lakes don't look like lakes. Waterfalls don't "fall," and the "cold" tap water knobs should read "DANG cold."
Conversely, the people (especially the employed help at all sites touristy AND our lovely family) are warmly inviting. The food can be spice-EEEE (four peppers in that hunan noodle bowl were PLENTY), and roadside outhouses are surprisingly warm.
"Pizza" is made NOT w/ mozzarella and pepperoni, but w/ little boy legs trying to slow the go on a ski slope for the first time.
"Metal boots" are (to The Short One) the wildly uncomfortable boots OFF the skis that become just another pair of comfy shoes ON the skis.
"Freakin' cold" is the mis-heard phrase of The Short One when his unmittened hand caressed the handrail of the ski lift. He really said "freezin' cold," but we all heard what we all were feeling.
"Feelin' keen" is only cute when uttered by one of the many handsome Australian and English young adults (girls tooooo, lest you think I was LOOKING) populating the slopes and rental shops w/ a one year work visa in their pocket. LOOKIN' keen is The Big One atop skis at the end of Day One. Layin' PRONE is The Big One exiting the lift for the first time.
The "Magic Carpet" does not carry Aladdin OR his lamp, but beginning skiers to the top of the learning slope. Both boys, Big and Short, "piloted" that carpet w/ CONVICTION!
Here's one of my favorites: HEINOUS!!!!! This is "rider" speak for "don't go up that mountain on a lift unless you plan to hurl yourself thru blowing wind and snow to find the bottom of said mountain." "Rider" is mountain-speak for "person who rides a snowboard." I think they prefer this over "snowboarder" or "JERK!!" ("Riders" are NOT all jerks. And I apologize to the lime-green clad rider to whom I shouted this slanderous remark. I think he was careening wildly out of control and I misinterpreted his intentions. And then there was the "rider" who fussed at my child for not "alternating" in the lift line. Then he cursed in our direction. Oh well, so did I ... on numerous occasions. Forgiven, dude.)
A "washroom" is a bathroom in Canada. We'd been schooled in this by our temporarily-Canada-living relatives. But, we forgot. And we nearly tinkled on ourselves asking for directions once ... until we remembered.
ANOTHER FAVORITE: "Clothes weenie." We crammed a heckuva lot of bought and borrowed ski clothes into a borrowed duffel bag. It had to go to its own special receiving line at the airport. It had to ride on top of the car. It was very embarrassed.
"Minor miracle," is getting 8 family members showered, coffee-ed, long-underweared, fed, goggled, packed, and loaded into a car.
"MAJOR miracle" is getting 8 family members AND ski-gear AND snacks into a moving gondola headed up the mountain. Put plainly, this vessel DID NOT STOP for us. By the end of our two-day ski holiday, we had a boarding and unloading order a la "Little Miss Sunshine."
And "Sunshine" is where we skied. Sunshine Ski Village, Banff, Canada.
And "sunshine" rarely shone -- except on the first day when I decided I'd packed way too many socks and fleece pullovers. Temp rose to almost 45.
And "sunshine" shone the last day -- temp climbed to 24 and stopped. (I thanked the Clothes Weenie for carrying our socks and fleece items.) These temps are Fahrenheit. The Canadian people speak some weird language called "Celsius" and I don't.
There is also a language called "metric." It must be a regional thing. I ignored it. It's heinous.
The money is pretty and its denominations are just like ours. There are one- and two-dollar coins ... one of them is called a loonie ... and that's cute.
The Rimrock Hotel and Resort was WAY out of our league w/ its spa and heated pool and big rooms and fancy linens and toiletries ... oh, and doormen in top hats. On the first evening there, once we'd unloaded our Clothes Weenie and Lucky Charms, The Tall One asked the staff if we could "take our kids in the bar." WAAAAY our of our league ...
Our family lives in Edmonton, up the road from Calgary, and there's a great big mall there. It houses LOTS of shoes. Alongside the shoes you'll find a waterpark, a theme park, a PIRATE SHIP, and a Chinese food market. The Short One "loved that big ol' place."
Breakfast sausages are called "chubbies." One pays big bucks for a side of garlic bread or bacon. The wine is scrumptious. The coffee ... we learned stronger coffee is MORE decaffeinated. I guess that could also be "less caffeinated."
Little boys can drink A LOT of Dr. Pepper. And tired mommies don't care.
Gummy fruit snacks taste GOOD in frigid conditions. As do peanuts and cheese crackers.
OK, little boys if you listen to Daddy's teaching instructions next year, you DON'T have to go to ski school. Even tho' you DID FINE once you got there ... and I had bribed you w/ toys trucks and motorcycles.
"Roots," is a cool clothing store. And there's a green leather purse I reallllly like. (It can be found online.)
The Funny One (he's a brother to The Tall One) can grill a MEAN salmon and steak!! The Smooshy One is a supreme hostess and a dear friend.
Teenage girls -- and I'm speaking specifically of OUR teenage girls ... and you KNOW who you are -- are sweet, sweet, patient, loving, faithful, funny, smart role models.
To the person on the lift (probably a RIDER) who shouted "You're not a very good skier," when one of OUR teenagers fell ... our girls are WAY more than good skiers. And your mama wears "metal boots!" Nanny nanny boo boo!
Our family -- we are PROUD of you for this "international mission" you've undertaken. We love and THANK you for hosting and teaching us. We'd FOLLOW you anywhere. Just tell us where and we'll have the Clothes Weenie PACKED!!
