My husband understands, I think, that I am much easier to please in this life, than I will be in death -- because when I die, I'm going to be a VERY tough customer.
Not long after we married, we (meaning me) started discussing my ultimate, unavoidable demise. We're ALL gonna "go there" one of these days, so I'd like for as much of it as possible to be on MY terms.
I really think the ceremonial portion of my journey OUT ought to be at LEAST as sophisticated as my wedding. And, at our wedding we had SWAN-SHAPED cheese!
Let's pretend I head out after a looooong life of lovely living. No gross disfigurations, no sad, debilitating illness, no reason I shouldn't be remembered as the hot little number I will have become. I'd like to be pictured as such in my obituary photo. If I'm crowned "Coming Home Queen" of my assisted-living manor, or am ever photographed wearing ANY type of costume or apparatus on my HEAD during a "Seniors at Sea" Carnival Cruise, I am NOT to be pictured in such in the local paper.
IF I'm not OLD and lovely, but a younger version of that person when I die, then The Tall One knows (and I'll remind him) that he is NOT to use my high school graduation picture. When one dies at an old age, use of these pix is acceptable because they take on a very nostalgic, "Greatest Generation" look. Used when a person dies around middle age, they just look like you never outgrew the "Friday Night Lights/I Was a Stud in High School" years.
IF, at the time of my death, I have acquired a nickname, it is NOT to be used alongside my name in my obituary. "Hot Potato", "Mama K", "Lady Lips," -- these pseudonyms do NOT appear on my birth certificate and should NOT be thrown out there for public consumption. Let's keep a few things just between us.
My dog does not care that I'm dead. Do NOT say my beagle is left to mourn my memory. She will be happy I'm not here to kick her out into the cold or off my clean linens.
The Tall One, sweet and wonderful as he is, is NOT a poet. Please do not allow this public notice of my death to become an outlet for your creativeness. Just the facts, please.
And, when I die -- just SAY it. "She D-I-E-D." I have not "flown home." We do not know for sure that I'm "resting with angels." I have not "received my wings." I prefer not to "soar" or "float." That just sounds like it would make me queasy.
IF my death is rather sudden or from a cause other than the obvious (She became very aged and her heart stopped beating.), please TELL my public how I died and don't force them to decipher it from the "remembrances clause." Don't make 'em wonder why all donations can be made to the local pipe fitters union.
IF something sad and debilitating leads me on my "ultimate journey," then please don't have me "fighting" or "battling" anything, however "brave" or "valiant" that battle might be. All those adverbs MUST make an editor cringe -- and column inches are PRICEY.
The Tall One thinks I give him too many instructions NOW?! OHHHHH, just you wait!
